


all my demons have your smile

by ultravires



Category: NCT (Band), WayV (Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Angst, M/M, Post-Break Up, there's literally only two scenes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-11
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2021-01-27 18:35:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21396778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ultravires/pseuds/ultravires
Summary: Dejun is in the middle of revising an article when the text comes.From: Wong Kunhanghey!Dejun stops and stares at his screen.(It's been a year since they broke up, eight months since they last saw each other, and five months since they stopped talking to each other.)
Relationships: Wong Kun Hang | Hendery/Xiao De Jun | Xiao Jun
Comments: 23
Kudos: 130





	all my demons have your smile

**Author's Note:**

> loosely inspired by [Break Up Dinner - San E feat. Sanchez](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3FowjIBQms4) & [broken strings](https://pusong-kahon.livejournal.com/30782.html) by pusong-kahon on livejournal. Title from La La Lost You - NIKI.

Dejun is in the middle of revising an article when the text comes.

**From: Wong Kunhang**  
_hey!_

Dejun stops and stares at his screen.

It's been five months since he and Kunhang last spoke to each other. Dejun knows the lack of communication isn't intentional on Kunhang's part but it was on his part and he can't help but feel a little guilty for that. Sure, they belong in the same circle, hangs out with the same people, but now it feels like Kunhang and him were merely friends by association.

Kunhang and Dejun knew each other back from when they were in college. Dejun's roommate Yangyang is friends with Kunhang's best friend Yukhei, who likes to hang out with several seniors that also happen to be Dejun's cousin Kun and his best friends Sicheng and Ten and so they come full circle.

He answers the text nevertheless.

**To: Wong Kunhang**  
_hey!_  
_what's up?_

Back then, the seven of them makes sure to hang out at least once a week. Sometimes they have movie nights at Kun's apartment that he shares with Ten and Sicheng, sometimes they go out to eat at a diner somewhere near campus. One time they went to a party together and it's safe to say that Kun has banned all kinds of liquor in the possession of Yukhei, Kunhang, and Yangyang. Sicheng still has the video of the three playing strip basketball in the rich kid's backyard where the party was held.

They've grown very close as a group, even though each of them has a dynamic of their own with the others. It's in the way Kun acts as a father figure to Yangyang, or the things that makes Ten bond with Kunhang are different from the things Ten talks about with Dejun.

Despite everyone having their own chemistry, Kunhang and Dejun are somewhat the only two in their group who are distant. They're close enough to hold a conversation when there are others nearby, the assurance that someone else will always butt in so it's not just the two of them talking to each other, but it's like an unspoken understanding that they're not really comfortable when it's only the two of them around.

**From: Wong Kunhang**  
_are you free this saturday?_  
_can we meet?_

Here's the thing: Kunhang and Dejun used to date.

It happened on their last year of college, in the midst of writing final papers and thesis defense. Kunhang has always been protective of Dejun because everyone is, but no one ever thought that he grew feelings. And that Dejun did too.

(The realization came in the middle of an intense Mario Kart race. Kunhang and Dejun are the only ones awake, the others already asleep around them on the sofa and loveseat. They've already made peace with the fact that maybe they're awkward alone, but awkward is fine, as long as they're trying to not make it obvious.

Kunhang is on the lead, two places ahead of Dejun and about to cross the finish line when he makes the mistake of turning away from the screen to taunt Dejun. 

"Ha, see, I'm gonna win this—" 

Then he abruptly stops. Whatever he wanted to say tapers off into nothing as his eyes locked on Dejun's figure, bathed in the soft glow of the TV screen, the way his brows furrow in concentration, how soft his lips look. Dejun is _attractive_ and he has just realized this.

All of a sudden Kunhang feels warm all over and his cheeks are heating up because he's not supposed to think about how soft his friend's lips look in the middle of a Mario Kart race that he's winning, but at this point he knows he's screwed because all he wanted to do now is to pull Dejun in for a kiss.

Dejun wins the race, obviously, because Kunhang's world stops turning the moment his eyes land on Dejun's figure. He whoops loudly when his side of the screen flashes with the First Place announcement.

"Wow, oh my God, I won! You were so close to the finish line but you stopped, like, what happened? But I won! Wait, wh- what are you doing?"

Kunhang is leaning in slowly, giving chance for Dejun to back away if he's not comfortable, but Dejun stays rooted to his place. He can see the split-second flicker of Dejun's eyes to his lips and he has to hold back his grin.

"Stop me if you're uncomfortable, okay?"

When Dejun whispers "okay", eyes blown wide, Kunhang presses his lips to Dejun's soft ones. It does feel as soft as it looks, and when Dejun's eyes automatically shut and he circles his arms around Kunhang's neck, he can see fireworks in the back of his eyelids.)

The story of their getting together is quick and smooth, no unnecessary drama of any sorts. Almost too smooth, because everyone in their circle is left speechless when one day Kunhang kisses Dejun goodbye during lunch together before Dejun is off to his class, three weeks after that fateful night and two weeks after their first date.

(The table is silent for a whole two minutes, five pairs of eyes darting back and forth between Dejun's retreating back and Kunhang who is calmly sipping his coffee like he didn't just liplock with one of their friend.

"Did you guys see that?" Yangyang finally asks, the first to recover from the shock, voice low and uncertain. 

"Are you sure that really happened?" Sicheng replies with his own question, eyebrows raised high on his forehead.

"This is a fever dream," Ten concludes, then paused. "Isn't it?"

The five pairs of eyes finally stare at Kunhang. "What?" Kunhang asks, still looking as unbothered as ever.

"You just kissed Dejun," Kun informs him as if he wasn't there when it happened. Kunhang shrugs. "I did. He's my boyfriend."

"He's your what?!"

Kunhang rolls his eyes. "My boyfriend. Dejun and I are dating. It's been two weeks, why are you guys so surprised?"

Yukhei snorts soda out of his nose.)

**To: Wong Kunhang**  
_is everything okay?_

Dejun's first instinct when Kunhang asks to meet him, after being idle for months, is to think, "something is wrong."

Kunhang has always been straightforward and doesn't like beating around the bush when it comes to his intentions. It's a complete opposite from Dejun who has his way with words— he can find hundreds of ways to get his point across without actually having to say them out loud. 

Even when they were dating, Kunhang is the most uncomplicated person when it comes to romantic gestures. He's always been all for the "less talking, more action" type of guy. His idea of romance is to walk Dejun to his classes, buys him presents, and just in general spoil Dejun. All the sweet talking and lovely words are left to Dejun, but that's okay because that's their dynamic.

For a no-nonsense person like Kunhang to not right away specify his purpose is highly unlikely of him, so Dejun automatically assumes all the worst case scenarios.

They've broken up, but Dejun still worries.

**From: Wong Kunhang**  
_everything's fine_  
_i just wanted to hang out with you_

Okay, well, that's new. Because Dejun and Kunhang never hang out. 

What constitutes as 'hang outs' for them exclusively refer to romantic dates, which obviously only happened during when they were dating. After that, because they have zero common interest and completely different mindset with absolutely no common grounds, it's understandable that they don't hang out. And also the uneasiness surrounding them has gone even worse than before they dated, so there's always that.

Dejun makes sure to tell Kunhang this.

**To: Wong Kunhang**  
_but we never hang out_

Kunhang and Dejun operate differently as friends and as lovers. Awkward as they may be as friends, they're surprisingly compatible as lovers. They are the physical manifestation of "opposites attract".

Dejun is the warm mug of chocolate in a Christmas morning, the soft pitter patter of the rain. Kunhang is the jagged edges of a roughly cut marble, the low rumble of storm heard in the distance as dark clouds piles on. Dejun is everything soft and nice and sweet, while Kunhang is everything big and extraordinary and out of this world. 

Sometimes it feels like being completed, to be with Kunhang. They fit in the spaces left empty by the other, like finding a missing puzzle piece, as cliche as it may sound. There's this excitement and exhilaration every time they talk to each other, when Dejun finds his opinions countered by Kunhang's equally valid ones. It's like they're always racing each other without anyone trying to win the race.

Then things started to not work out.

**From: Wong Kunhang**  
_i just wanted to see you_

They don't fight.

They never fight. They don't shout and lash out and cry in frustration. Instead, it's all silence. It's always silent because instead of talking and discussing their problems like a normal person, they pretend. 

They pretend they are okay. Like nothing is out of the ordinary and that if they ignore it hard enough, it will go away on its own. Whatever _it_ is.

Is it because of Dejun's soft heart and tenderness, the inability to hurt another soul? Or because of Kunhang's brazenness and no-nonsense character that at some point he stopped caring?

Maybe they're just too different for this to work.

**To: Wong Kunhang**  
_why?_

When they broke up, Dejun expected it to be painful and heartbreaking. It was, no doubt about that, but there's also this unexpected relief. It's as if he's finally letting go of a weight that's been bearing on his chest for so long. The silence was getting too burdensome.

It has less to do with feelings and more with life, Dejun ponders. It's not like he stopped loving Kunhang— if anything, the feeling is still there, burning just as bright as day one. He still genuinely cares for Kunhang. What made it so hard was that Dejun still loves Kunhang but he knows they're stuck in a dead-end. This relationship isn't going anywhere except down.

They are going down opposite paths and when the reality of that sinks in, they're already knee-deep in the relationship.

Maybe this wasn't how Kunhang felt nearing the end of their relationship. Maybe for Kunhang it was more feelings and less life. Dejun dares himself to hope that Kunhang didn't feel the way Dejun did when they broke up.

It's easier for him to think that Kunhang doesn't feel the same way anymore, because at least that way they're not star-crossed lovers.

That way he has something to blame for the heart ache.

**From: Wong Kunhang**  
_it's been awhile since i last saw you..._  
_please?_

It's been a year since the break up, eight months since they last saw each other, and five months since they stopped talking to each other.

It's been a year since Dejun cried himself to sleep trying to ignore the hurt perpetually residing in his chest, eight months since his friends have to force him to come to their meet ups because four months is enough of a time to avoid everyone, and five months since he decided that if he's going to try to move on, he's going to do himself a favor and start fresh.

**To: Wong Kunhang**  
_fine_

Dejun knows for a fact that Kunhang is seeing someone else. He has seen the pictures of the cute dates and selfies they took, despite his effort to start fresh, and of course the confirmation coming from Yukhei and Yangyang also cemented the accuracy of this news.

Kunhang has moved on and Dejun hasn't and it hurts.

But Dejun misses Kunhang, so very much, so he succumbs.

* * *

  
The bell sitting on top of the cafe door jingles softly, signaling the entrance of a customer. Dejun hurriedly goes in and stops short for a moment to look around the cafe, trying to find Kunhang. He spots him a moment after, seated in the corner with his head bowed down, eyes trained on his phone. He's supposed to meet Kunhang here about fifteen minutes ago but his boss suddenly asked for a revision (on a weekend? Really?) and now he's late.

"Hey," Dejun breathes out, sliding into the seat opposite of Kunhang, "I'm so sorry, my boss suddenly asked for a revision. I can't believe—"

"It's fine," Kunhang cuts him off with a bright smile, "it's alright. I understand."

The tension in Dejun's shoulders bleed away. "Have you ordered?"

"Not yet," Kunhang answers. He signals a waiter to ask for the menu and thanks him when it's delivered.

Dejun starts looking through the menu, flipping pages. Only he doesn't hear the same sound from Kunhang, so he looks up.

Kunhang is watching him intently from across the table. He looks like he's trying to drink the view in, to memorize Dejun's every little detail. The attentiveness in Kunhang's eyes makes Dejun want to squirm in his seat, because it's so sincere and earnest and makes Dejun hope.

He doesn't. Instead he says, "Is there something on my face?"

Dejun said it jokingly, playfully, like he doesn't recognize the intensity behind Kunhang's gaze. He's not yet brave enough to confront whatever elephant in the room that's waiting to be voiced out. 

Kunhang blinks, snapped out of his stupor. His expression changes for a split second and he almost opens his mouth to answer, but settles with shaking his head and smiling in response to Dejun's question.

They finally order and when the waiter takes away the menu, only then did Dejun really take in the view in front of him.

Kunhang looks like he did the last time Dejun saw him. Except, not really. He still has the same bright twinkling eyes and still smiles like he just eradicated world hunger, but his black locks are brown now and curlier, falling into his eyes in a stylish way. He looks more put together, surrounded by an air of sureness. Dejun decides that confidence looks good on Kunhang.

He's wearing a striped shirt with light brown leather jacket and black jeans. Dejun has never seen Kunhang with that kind of style but it's so easy on the eyes and fits him so well that Dejun is hit with a rush of nostalgia and the realization that a lot has changed in eight months.

"How are you?" Kunhang asks, turning his attention back to Dejun.

"I'm doing fine," Dejun answers breezily, spouting the textbook answer. As far as he's concerned, he still fits in the broadest definition of the term, so it's not like he's lying.

"How's your dad? And your brother's doctorate? I heard he's having his dissertation defense in two months."

"They're also fine... My brother's graduating in two months, actually, he did his defense last week," Dejun patiently answers the onslaught of questions. He knows both his dad and brother are closely acquainted with Kunhang on Weibo because for some reason they're smitten with him (who is he lying to, everyone is smitten with Kunhang) so he's sure Kunhang asks the questions to make small talk. It's not unwelcome, though.

"How about you? Anything new about your sisters?"

Kunhang tells him about the start up company he's now working as a UI/UX designer at, tells him about his first sister who's getting married next year. Dejun nods at the appropriate time, smiles when he hears the good news, and offers his congratulations. 

Then the table goes silent for a minute. 

Thankfully, a waitress comes up with their orders before the silence became too thick or awkward, and Dejun thanks her. When she's off on her away again, though, the silence returns. Dejun decides to have mercy on his heart and ask the one question that's been bugging him before he loses the nerve.

"Kunhang," Dejun starts, "is there any reason why you asked to meet?" 

The air seems to shift with Dejun's question.

Kunhang doesn't answer directly, instead taking his time sipping on his drink. Gradually, he smiles once again. Dejun notices it's a bit strained this time. Is something really going on? His heart starts pounding in his chest in anticipation.

"I miss you." 

Before Dejun can react in any way, Kunhang continues. "I just wanted to see you. It's been too long since we last met— I couldn't not see you."

A few beats passed before Dejun can find his tongue again. A glimmer of hope sparks within him but the shock is clearly evident on his face when he carefully says, "You have a boyfriend."

He said it like there's an implication behind it, like Kunhang should know better than to just outright say he couldn't not see Dejun, an ex, when he's dating someone else. 

"That doesn't mean we should stop being friends."

Dejun's blood run cold. He hadn't hoped for anything coming out of this whole encounter, but he can feel his lungs dropping to his stomach. The classic 'let's stay friends after the break up' trope. Of course that's Kunhang's reason to meet him. Dejun is such a fool for letting himself hope.

"We never stopped being friends," Dejun tells him, fully aware that he was the one who cut ties off. He can sense the beginning of tears pricking behind his eyelids and it's getting harder to breath. He tries to blink the tears away.

"You're purposefully avoiding me the past few months."

Dejun sighs. "Are we really doing this right now?"

"Well, yes!" Kunhang answers indignantly. "If we never stopped being friends like you said, then explain why are you avoiding me. You stopped answering to my texts months ago, Jun, and you never go out with the group when I'm around. If we're still friends, it sure as hell doesn't feel that way!"

Dejun looks taken aback by Kunhang's outburst. What prompted it he doesn't understand, but it stirs something ugly and bitter within Dejun. Fury rises in his throat while he tries not to let his voice shake from the rage.

"How dare you," Dejun spat angrily, "how dare you say all of that. You think it has been easy for me after our break up? You think I was fine after what happened? I wasn't. I couldn't be fine for months. It hurt so bad, you have no idea how broken I was. Ask Kun. Ask Yangyang."

The first drop of tear slides down his cheek. Dejun fiercely wipes it away, not caring whether Kunhang sees it or not. 

"I'm sorry that I can't be your friend yet. Maybe you're ready to make that transition again, to turn back from lovers to friends, but I'm not. Because it's been a year, but I'm still stuck here alone, thinking where did we go wrong."

He hastily reached within his bag to pull out a wallet and slam a few notes on the table. He has to get out of there before he can embarrass himself further. The tears are pooling in his eyes, starting to blur his vision.

Suddenly, a hand encircles his wrist delicately, halting his movements. Dejun looks up in confusion with wet eyes only to find Kunhang reaching across the table. The look on his face is a mixture of apologetic, surprise, and sympathy. Dejun doesn't understand the shock, but a look of tenderness flashes on his face for a split second, which he might be imagining through his tears. Kunhang looks at him like he's afraid Dejun might break any moment. 

"Dejun," Kunhang says gently, "you kept the keyring."

The hand on his wrist is gone. It reaches for the keyring attached on his wallet, a green dinosaur plush. 

Dejun's throat closed up. That keyring was from Kunhang, back when they were still together, which he got as a joke from his trip back home to Macau. It was barely a gift, just something that Kunhang brought back, but Dejun loved it so much that he never took it off, even after the breakup. In a way, it also serves as a reminder about all the beautiful things Kunhang brought into his life and this small keyring dinosaur plush is just a small, tangible part of it. 

Dejun takes a deep breath before answering. "I did." He doesn't elaborate further— couldn't tell Kunhang why he kept it. A fresh wave of resignation washes over him.

Kunhang says nothing. Instead, his hand comes up to fish something from underneath his shirt and pulls out a pendant hanging on his neck. It's a cross pendant, one that Dejun got Kunhang for his birthday. Kunhang loved wearing necklaces and cross pendants were his thing, so it seemed sensible at that time that Dejun gifted him that. 

"I never took it off," Kunhang finally says. His expression is sad now, although he tries to smile. "I think it's my lucky charm."

He takes it off and places it in Dejun's palm. Dejun stares at it for awhile then gives the pendant back to Kunhang, who wore it again and tucks it back under his shirt.

"I know there's a reason that we didn't work," Kunhang says, "but I wish we did."

Dejun's dam broke.

**Author's Note:**

> on today's episode of angst post break up with aya. also loosely inspired by [this tweet](https://twitter.com/lauvsongs/status/1166708776386342912). thank you for making it this far, comments kudos and bookmarks are all very much appreciated! unbeta'ed because jess my girl is busy and i didn't want to bother her :>


End file.
